Funny poems, birthday poems, farewell poems, leaving poems...anything!

I write poems for any occasion. Funny poems - as offensive as you like - are what I do best.

Below are a few examples of the personalised funny poems I have lovingly crafted for satisfied customers.

Goodbye John

A leaving poem for a retiring colleague.

We’re sorry that you’re leaving us,
And heading somewhere new.
The place will seem quite empty
And so quiet, without you.

We’re going to miss your laid-back charm,
Your humour and your hugs.
And the way you kindly let us
Make your tea, and wash your mugs.

You’re such a lovely person, John -
So kind, and really funny.
And yet always strangely cautious,
When it comes to spending money.

We won’t forget that shirt you bought,
As proud as you could be.
You found it there for just a pound,
But got them down to 90p!

And of course, you like a drink or two,
You get through quite a bit.
So thank God you have your ‘special voice’
That tells you when to quit.

Then up you get, and off you go,
You’re such a funny guy.
Just leave your car behind tonight,
And try to say goodbye!

You really love your football,
On the pitch, or on TV.
It’s just a shame you can’t run fast,
Because of your poor knee.

But still you soldier on, eh John?
In goal until half time.
Then somehow, once you’re into it
Your knee’s completely fine!

But John you know we’re joking,
That’s just how our banter goes.
We’ll miss you from your wok-like gut,
To your hairy hobbit toes.

So thank you for your tireless work,
We’re sad to see you go.
Just try not to forget us,
Like you forgot poor Mr. Snow!