Funny poems, birthday poems, farewell poems, leaving poems...anything!

I write poems for any occasion. Funny poems - as offensive as you like - are what I do best.

Below are a few examples of the personalised funny poems I have lovingly crafted for satisfied customers.

Happy Birthday

A birthday poem for a husband's 65th.

I can’t believe you’re sixty-five!
It’s true though, so I’m told.
But hubby, though you look it,
You don’t act like you’re that old.

You might be fat and going bald,
With wrinkles round your eyes.
But inside you’re only seven -
It’s a bloody good disguise!

The years are flying quickly by,
You wonder where they go.
But hubby, at your ripe old age,
You’ll soon be moving slow.

So let’s celebrate this birthday,
Even more than in those that passed.
‘Cause you never know at your age,
Every one could be your last.

You’ll soon be on a Zimmer frame,
With slippers on your feet.
And we’ll have to mash your dinner up,
Each time you want to eat.

You’ve lost one tooth already,
Soon the rest will drop out too.
And we’ll have to bring a bed pan
When you need to use the loo!

You’ll swap your beer for cocoa,
And spend all your time complaining.
And you’ll wear a plastic headscarf,
Even when it isn’t raining.

And hubby, your three horses
Will soon have to end up sold,
To raise money for the care home
Where we’ll stick you when you’re old!

But hubby, though you’re getting on,
You’ve life left in you yet.
You can still embrace a pint glass,
And pop out to place a bet.

So on our boozy weekend,
We’ll all paint the town bright red.
And celebrate another year,
Of you not being (quite) dead!