Examples of our gift poetry
How we do this:
In order to create such excellent pieces of customised poetry (examples below) we need your help. Upon confirmation of your order we will ask you to fill in an online form to answer several questions about the occasion you need a poem for, the personality of the intended recipient/victim, and the style/vulgarity level of the poem.
This is the kind of information we are after:
- Name
- Age (particularly if it is a birthday poem, greeting or gift)
- General physical appearance (if relevant)
- Distinguishing details and features, physical or otherwise
- Are funny stories about the person that you would like incorporating into the poem? Any embarrassing moments? Or even something nice they did maybe?
- Occasion details: birthday, anniversary, graduation, retirement, bar mitzvah?
- Your own character description/assassination
- Specific details to mention
- Offensiveness rating: should the poem offend the person we write it for, or just to make them laugh?
- Any other comments
The information you provide is to give us a rough idea of the character of the person the poem is for, not to provide a framework for the poem. We guarantee that all our gift poems are hand-written and unique - and not written to a formula.
Throughout production of the poem we will keep in touch, to an extent that might surprise you. This way we can ensure that you will be completely happy with the poem we create.
Below are a few examples of the personalised gift poems we have lovingly crafted for satisfied customers:
Leon the red-bummed male nurse
Give three cheers! Sing hip-hurray!
On this especially wondrous day,
For thirty years you've been on earth,
And so we celebrate your birth,
With women, song and upraised glasses
(or perhaps you'd rather we raised our asses?).
So let us take a while to think,
About the man to whom we drink,
A man of patience, mirth and wit,
But who, despite this, is a twit.
Whose nursing skills are far from best
(but you look divine in the short blue dress).
A man who's always armed with rizla,
And looks just like a gulag prisoner,
Whose job it is to make us well,
Although he looks like total hell.
The patients take one look and fall
(or at least stand with their backs to the wall).
So happy birthday Leon mate!
Hope your day is fab and great!
Hope you have a lovely time,
Swilling beer or sipping wine,
In the bar with your silk purse
(after all, you're a male nurse).
Goodbye Karen!
We're sorry you're leaving and going away,
It's with sadness we're saying 'farewell' this glum day,
To our fat funny Karen, the girl with the belly,
But at least when you're gone it will be much less smelly.
Your work was your life here, you loved every day,
I'm sure you'd have turned up without any pay!
No-one on earth could have ever worked harder,
Except maybe you when you're raiding the larder.
This place will be quiet and dull when you're gone,
We'll miss all your jokes and your stories so long,
Your dodgy political views we will lack,
And pretty soon we will be wanting you back.
But then we'll remember what you're really like,
And be happy you went for a very long hike,
And left us in peace to get on with our work,
Because, after all, you're a bit of a burk.
So farewell fat Karen, we wish you the best,
We're sorry you're leaving and flying the nest,
Your job here is done, and your role's come a cropper,
But at least in our office there'll be one less ex-copper.
Autumn Leaves
Thine pallid face grows lined and grey,
Thine hair, like autumn leaves, doth sway,
And cling to life, denying reason,
Defying wind and changing season.
Devoid of hope it clings in vain,
Where once there grew a lion's mane.
Thine creaking limbs do crack and splinter,
For autumn leaves, becometh winter,
Your final season, harsh and long,
The robin red-breast's final song,
Will soon be sounding, sweet and clear,
To mark the end for you, for dear.
For thou hast travelled many roads,
And borne a-many worldly loads,
And thine hath witnessed breaks of days,
Too many times, so many ways.
The bells for twilight soon will chime,
Alas thou hast not left much time.
So rejoice when every new day breaks!
Delight in life, whate'er it takes,
Live not out thine days in dread,
For all too soon thine wilt be dead!
This year thou art but twenty-nine,
But one year, it will be time,
To hangeth up thine hat of youth,
For autumn leaves,
And that's the truth.