Birthday poems, graduation poems, Mother's Day poems...
We write poems for any occasion. Amusing poems - as offensive as you like - are our forte.
Types of poems we can do
These are simply the most common categories we deal with; we're more than happy to write a poem on any topic you like.
- Birthday poems
- Farewell poems
- Mother's Day poems
- Father's Day poems
- Anniversary poems
- Graduation poems
- Baby poems
- Friendship poems
- Funeral poems
- Break-up poems
- General funny poems
Birthday Poems
Our birthday poems range from gentle amusement (see our almost elegiac poem Autumn Leaves) to outright hostility. In other words, gifts suitable for everyone - from your favourite elder aunt to your boorish best mate.
Farewell poems
A personal favourite of ours, the farewell poem is a style we've perfected after many combined years working in offices. Most people will be familiar with the 'Tracy/Darren/the boss is leaving on Friday - someone best get them a present' scenario. Let us deal with it. See Goodbye Karen! for a typical example.
Mother's Day poems
Don't let Hallmark cheapen your relationship with your one and only mum. Show her you do actually appreciate her this year by commissioning a personalised Mother's Day poem.
Father's Day poems
Our Father's Day poems are basically just recycled Mother's Day ones, we just shift the words round a bit.
Anniversary Poems
Our anniversary poems send a message of love that will echo down the ages. Well maybe not, but for the spouse with a sense of humour we can write a poem that's guaranteed to be memorable.
Graduation poems
So little Jonny stopped drinking long enough to finally get his degree? What better way to bring him down a peg or two than with something that his education will make him all the more appreciative of - a graduation poem.
Baby poems
Having children of our own we know that the gift of a new life is the most precious there is. But newborn kids still look weird with their huge bald heads and tiny shrivelled features, and so if you feel the need to cheer up an exhausted, weepy parent one of our baby poems should do the trick.
Friendship poems
We don't do schmaltz, but that doesn't mean that we don't have friends. Indeed, the Poem Factory team cut their teeth writing poems for friends in lieu of gifts that cost actual money, and so we like to think we're pretty good at friendship poems.
Funeral poems
OK, we admit to never having written one of these (not that got used anyway) but we seriously think that many dead people would genuinely appreciate it if their funeral poems weren't so, well, funereal. Obviously, we'd tone it down alot for this kind of thing. If anyone ever requests it...
Break-up Poems
Recently dumped and need to show you're over it? Made the mistake of getting it on with your best friend and want to let them down gently? While we can't guarantee to rescue or preserve your dignity, our break-up poems should ease your pain and/or embarrassment.
Funny poems
A catchall category this one, but just to remind you that we're willing to write on pretty much any subject or occasion.
How we do this
In order to create your personalised poem we need your help.
First, we will ask you to provide some details about your poem, such as:
- Name
- Age
- General physical appearance (if relevant)
- Distinguishing details and features
- Are funny stories?
- Any embarrassing moments?
- Occasion details: birthday, anniversary, graduation, retirement, bar mitzvah?
- Your own character description/assassination
- Specific details to mention
- Offensiveness rating
- Any other comments
This information gives us an idea of the character of the person and the poem you want. Other details can be included upon request. We're flexible, and we guarantee that all our personalised poems are unique.
Examples of our poems
Below are a few examples of the personalised gift poems we have lovingly crafted for satisfied customers:
Goodbye Karen!
We're sorry you're leaving and going away,
It's with sadness we're saying 'farewell' this glum day,
To our fat funny Karen, the girl with the belly,
But at least when you're gone it will be much less smelly.
Your work was your life here, you loved every day,
I'm sure you'd have turned up without any pay!
No-one on earth could have ever worked harder,
Except maybe you when you're raiding the larder.
This place will be quiet and dull when you're gone,
We'll miss all your jokes and your stories so long,
Your dodgy political views we will lack,
And pretty soon we will be wanting you back.
But then we'll remember what you're really like,
And be happy you went for a very long hike,
And left us in peace to get on with our work,
Because, after all, you're a bit of a burk.
So farewell fat Karen, we wish you the best,
We're sorry you're leaving and flying the nest,
Your job here is done, and your role's come a cropper,
But at least in our office there'll be one less ex-copper.
Autumn Leaves
Thine pallid face grows lined and grey,
Thine hair, like autumn leaves, doth sway,
And cling to life, denying reason,
Defying wind and changing season.
Devoid of hope it clings in vain,
Where once there grew a lion's mane.
Thine creaking limbs do crack and splinter,
For autumn leaves, becometh winter,
Your final season, harsh and long,
The robin red-breast's final song,
Will soon be sounding, sweet and clear,
To mark the end for you, for dear.
For thou hast travelled many roads,
And borne a-many worldly loads,
And thine hath witnessed breaks of days,
Too many times, so many ways.
The bells for twilight soon will chime,
Alas thou hast not left much time.
So rejoice when every new day breaks!
Delight in life, whate'er it takes,
Live not out thine days in dread,
For all too soon thine wilt be dead!
This year thou art but twenty-nine,
But one year, it will be time,
To hangeth up thine hat of youth,
For autumn leaves,
And that's the truth.